Second child: What is the right age for a baby brother?

To retrace the incomparable moments of tenderness, to give a little brother to the first-born, to hope that "this time it will be a girl", to satisfy the sense of omnipotence that every parent feels when faced with the awareness of having given a new life and being responsible for it. There are so many reasons that lead a couple to repeat the experience of a child. And all plausible. If only because it is also thanks to those who decide to be "doubly" parents that society can hope for a slight increase in the birth rate. However, even when in economic and family organization terms the desire for a second child is absolutely achievable, the decision cannot be separated from reflection and, therefore, from doubts. And, in most cases, the uncertainties are very common: What is the best time to make the most of such an important decision? And most importantly, what is the ideal age difference between two siblings? Better now that the firstborn is just 12 months old? Or is it better to wait until it gets bigger? Yes, but how big ?.

We raise the firstborn

There is certainly no incontrovertible truth that reveals with absolute certainty what is the ideal time to spend between the first and second child. But, it is equally realistically evident that the birth of a second child is capable of substantially modifying the psychological and growth dynamics of the firstborn. It goes without saying that before thinking of another child, we should take into account various variables and numerous factors that inevitably intervene in the event. Starting with the abilities of the firstborn. The cognitive and motor development of a child is not defined before the age of 2, that is, when the learning of language and the consequent ability to think reach a level of maturation sufficient to outline a personal identity. It is only after this phase, therefore, that the little one has the right physical and psychological autonomy to be considered "autonomous". Until then he is not yet able, for example, to move in a perfectly safe way, to recognize dangers, to free himself, in short, from the continuous control and commitment of his parents. But, above all, he is not yet able to understand "as he should" his position, the announcement of the arrival of a little brother, the advantages that will come. The love, unique but shared, of mum and dad. All concepts that escape a child who is too young. Not that after two years there is a spell. Jealousy is a factor to take into account, in any case, when deciding to have a second child. But, in fact, an older child has, unlike a younger one, the ability to perceive and receive what the parents will be able to communicate to allow him to live the event correctly.

Little difference, little autonomy

However, the question arises: the fact that a baby, for example 12 months, is not able to understand adequately, would not perhaps be more beneficial to the situation? Maybe yes, if life ended when you were a child. And if jealousy was the only parameter to be evaluated before deciding when to go back to being parents. But a child grows up and becomes an adult and, precisely for this reason, there are many variables to consider. If the age difference between siblings is one year, for example, the primary consequence is that they grow up together. And this may seem positive at first glance. But in fact growing together also means sharing for a long time every little part of a world that, instead, every child has the right to create, manage and live on their own, without competition and with an indispensable respect for privacy. Having the same friends or desiring the same girlfriends almost always generates a dispute, sometimes lived in silence, in other cases clearly expressed, but, in any case, far from appropriate for the future of both children. In short, it is better to let the problems remain localized in childhood, thus addressing the issue of jealousy when the child is able to understand, rather than forcing him to face major problems during growth.

Too much difference, too many limits

At this point it would be legitimate to hypothesize another alternative that, probably, would be able to remedy jealousy and the risk of competition in one stroke: think of a second child when the first is four years old, maybe even more, just enough because is able to independently understand the choice of his parents and at the same time not to risk having to share anything with his brother. However, even this hypothesis is destined to turn out to be less ingenious than it seems. An excessive age difference, in fact, very often distorts the perspective in which the relationship between siblings should be lived. The first-born almost always ends up taking on the responsibility of managing the youngest, taking on a responsibility that is not his or her own and becoming a second father who dictates rules and confuses the youngest with respect to roles that he should instead clearly distinguish. Not to mention that, even from a practical point of view, a teenager with a much younger child at home necessarily sees his freedom limited, the need for his own space, the need for solitude, the defense of his own intimacy.

Little brother and school: we don't add up the stress

It is precisely in the light of these reflections that, probably, the best time interval for planning a second child remains, when possible, the age between 2 ½ years and 3 years of the firstborn. Also for what concerns the mother, after all. Two years are in fact the minimum time for the uterus to return to optimal conditions after having suffered a traumatic event such as that of childbirth. In any case, however, it is good to avoid that the birth coincides with the inclusion of the first-born in kindergarten or school: it is better to wait until at least six months have passed since the beginning of a novelty that is already so engaging in itself. At any age, the eldest child, despite being the "oldest", is still a "small" child with needs to be respected and with the need to feel "unique". Even in a large family.

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